


it is what it is

by Niki



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Developing Relationship, Introspection, M/M, Mass Effect 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2017-06-03
Packaged: 2018-11-08 14:33:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11083587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niki/pseuds/Niki
Summary: It's weird starting a relationship with a friend, even a best friend, especially if you're not exactly sure you can ever fully trust him.But Kaidan learns they can still be okay.





	it is what it is

**Author's Note:**

  * For [spookykingdomstarlight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/spookykingdomstarlight/gifts).



> Thanks for giving me a chance to write these two! Haven't done that in a while... Hope you enjoy it too!

It was weird for a while, even after Kaidan admitted to himself that there was only one person in the galaxy he was close enough to to want something permanent with them. Even through their date – and it was a date, in the end, after all – it was still the commander with whom he was. Still the larger than life savior of the galaxy. His friend, maybe, but... still just him, with all that implied. 

He wasn't sure how they were going to do this. Still, it was a date, so he jokingly asked to ”walk him home” and Shepard laughed, and they took the elevator up to the captain's floor and... and paused at the door, and Kaidan kept it still light when he asked for a kiss goodnight. 

And Shepard had laughed, but nodded, and leaned forward and... and then it changed. Because it did not feel like kissing a friend, or a family member, or anyone safe and known. Before he knew it, he had opened his mouth, and Shepard opened his, and then there were tongues, and it was so much deeper than any first kiss has any right to be but damn... 

When they pulled back, they shared an almost dazed glance, and then they were laughing and hugging, and Shepard spoke against the skin of Kaidan's neck, ”Yeah, we're gonna be just fine.”

So he hadn't been alone with his doubts. But, his lips still tingling, Kaidan just smiled and hugged back, and knew they'd be fine.

 

It was still weird, occasionally, of course... because in the field, during debriefs and meetings, the other man was all Commander Shepard, his old CO, the guy who saved the galaxy for lunch. And then he'd share a glance with Kaidan, or smile after combat, and... and he was Kaidan's again, just for the moment. Just his boyfriend, or whatever he should call what they were doing. 

And yet other moments Kaidan wasn't sure he even knew the man anymore. Shepard was colder than he'd been on the first Normandy, harder. He still cared, that much was obvious, but there was something... Of course, he'd been through so much – he'd _died_ and come back, for God's sake... but that's just it. He had died, and been brought back by Cerberus, of all things. He had willingly worked for them for months. 

It was still hard to get over that sometimes. What did Cerberus bring back? Was it really the same man? Was it really only him and nothing ”extra” in there in his brain?

But could Cerberus have created a person? Someone capable of all the things Shepard had done, had achieved... and who could still smile at his friends' jokes, and kiss like he never wanted to do anything else in his life?

Kaidan had been convinced he'd been proven right when they faced off against each other at Citadel – after all, Cerberus was taking over, surely they would have activated all possible sleeper agents.

It had been the emotion in Shepard's eyes that had convinced him he was telling the truth. That, and the fact their supposed councillor was shady as all hell. He'd risked everything on that felling, on their connection, and had he been wrong... the consequences would have been tragic, for all the galaxy. 

But he'd been right to trust, at that moment. And it was the rush of that relief and the adrenaline rush of the battle won that carried him through that conversation in the docks. He wanted to be back on the Normandy, wanted to be part of Shepard's crew, and he wanted to see if the man could feel the same about him as Kaidan did about him, after days (and nights) spent soul searching in the hospital.

So he'd promised never to doubt Shepard again. And he'd meant it too, at that moment, when his trust had so clearly been rewarded. 

But could he keep his promise? To never again be assaulted by the doubts about a man who had been _remade_ by their enemies? Could Shepard even know himself if he was compromised by them? 

He wondered if anyone else on the ship shared his struggle. He'd have thought Garrus... but he had followed Shepard even when the Normandy was a Cerberus ship. 

Sometimes he missed Ashley and her healthy distrust of superior officers. Well, maybe it hadn't always been healthy, but it had still been refreshing. Joker and Chakwas, too, had left the Alliance with hardly a backwards glance, and... he would not have put money on that possibility for any odds. 

It confused him, and sometimes it made it hard to deal with them either. 

And he worried about his fledgling relationship with Shepard because of all that. He had promised to be done with his doubts, so he couldn't exactly share these thoughts with Shepard, and who else did he have? His parents were unreachable back on Earth, and those on board who had known Shepard as long as him... Garrus, Tali, Chakwas, Joker... they were all people who'd followed him under Cerberus. Liara had changed so much since then, and she'd also worked with Shepard after he'd been brought back.

If all those others were okay with all of that, did that make him stupid to be dwelling on it? But he still couldn't let go of it, not really.

It wasn't constant, by any means. When they were kissing and touching it was the last thing on his mind. When they shared a quiet evening reading reports and news, when Shepard looked so relaxed on his sofa, even with the blue glow of yet another plea for help, yet another report... when they talked, unlike they ever had, of their lives and wishes and the nebulous future they might one day have.

It didn't stop Kaidan from following Shepard into the jaws of death time after time, counting on him to make the right decisions in the field, on where they should concentrate their efforts, any of that. So did that mean that on the instinctual level he actually _did_ trust him? 

Huh. That was... that was a thought. 

But he didn't follow him blindly. When he had opinions about what they were doing, he couldn't be shy about it, or keep his mouth shut. Too much was depending on what they were doing for him to risk being quiet. He had enough experience to know he had valuable things to share, and Shepard always listened, and always considered his point of view, even if he decided to do something else. Respected him, and what he had to say, as a colleague. It... did a lot to reassure him. 

Sometimes things got heated, and they almost shouted at each other in the heat of things, both stubborn and used to lead – Kaidan had had his own team for much longer than he'd ever worked with Shepard, after all. 

It was after one of those near shouting matches that Kaidan made his way to the Captain's cabin a bit warily. They had a standing arrangement to spend their evenings together, but he wondered if Shepard would be happy to see him as things were. 

But when the door opened to admit him, Shepard merely gave him a tired smile – a real smile, a smile that said he was happy to see you – and gestured with a pad.

“I'm almost done with this, then I'm all yours.”

Huh. That was... not what he'd expected. 

Shepard was turning his head from side to side and rubbing it with his other hand and Kaidan didn't even pause think before standing behind him and replacing that hand with both of his. 

Shepard groaned and let his head fall forwards so that he could reach better. The back of his neck was exposed, showing the amp among his short hair, and... even for a man in whose bed he had slept, Kaidan found the sudden vulnerability staggering. The trust inherent in the move, the acceptance of his help. Why couldn't he give that blind trust in return?

This time the sound out of Shepard's mouth was frustrated as he flung the pad on the desk.

“People,” he just said as an explanation. Then he leaned back, turning his face up to smile at Kaidan behind and above him. “At least I always have you to call me on my shit. You never let me get away with anything short of my best, or cut any corners.”

“I... what?”

Shepard shrugged slightly, but not enough to dislodge the hands kneading on his shoulders. 

“Hazards of the job, I suppose. Save the world a few times and some people have a really hard time in pointing out when you're wrong. But you never let any of that bother you, you tell me things like they are. And I really appreciate that about you. Even after...” he made a gesture that seemed to cover them, the cabin, even the massage, “... all this, you're still willing to stand up to me. And that's important. I truly appreciate it, Kaidan. Just one of the reasons I love you.”

“Love you too,” Kaidan got out, like on instinct, because even if they'd never shared the words before it didn't make them any less true. 

He leaned forwards to drop a kiss on Shepard's upturned face and wondered at his luck. 

Not only did Shepard _not mind_ his suspicious nature... he actually valued it. 

Huh. 

Guess they really were going to be alright.


End file.
